sky high poetry

the lights don't glow as bright anymore
i'm older, wiser
the magic has faded 
and there's an empty seat on the couch where your absence grows stronger and stronger.

our memories run farther and farther away, fading into dreams so distant i ask myself 
were you real at all?

maybe you were, once
when i was small,
running wild in the snow till it soaked through to my socks, cheeks red from winter's chill
your favorite girl, drinking hot cocoa by the fire.
it doesn't taste the same anymore.

nothing is the same without you.

what i would give, to be eight again
sledding down the hill, your warmth against my back
hiding in an igloo you built just for me,
crafty hands holding mine as we cross the snowy street, but i'm twenty four
and only your ghost holds me tonight. 

holidays are heavy
in the back of my mind i hear your "merry christmas, kiddo!"
see your name, signed with love on shiny silver paper
miss you, miss dinners at the dining table and parties at the precinct before i knew what it all meant

before i knew what it was like to spend december without you.

winter's not one to be kind
but does she have to be this cruel?
i can handle it
but the chubby cheeked girl in her pink snow pants
should've never had to.

she deserved a million more christmases
a million more winters
a million more afternoons spent chucking snowballs at your face.

the lights don't glow as bright anymore
i'm older,
and that empty seat stares back at me with a vengeance
years ago, when i was small, you sat there, beaming, as i opened my presents from santa.

christmas morning feels different without your laugh or your smile or jokes about you secretly eating the cookies we left under the tree
and winters are milder these days.
but i still drink my hot cocoa by the fire 
hear your laugh behind me as we fly down the hill, feel your hands holding mine, see you smile at me,
your favorite girl.

always and forever, your favorite girl.