sky high poetry

i never thought i'd see 24
because when i was 21
i bought a bottle of painkillers
and took them, by the handful
in a Trader Joe's parking lot.
only about an eighth of the entire bottle
(not enough to do real damage).
but still, i sat
in that parking lot
wishing,
hoping,
praying,
it would.

i never thought i'd see 24
because when i was 22
all i could think about
was being dead
gone
forgotten
scattered in the wind
food for the maggots.
i didn't try it, not that time
but i wanted to
and it killed me just the same.

i never thought i'd see 24 
because when i was 23
i drove myself to State Line Lookout
and stood there, eyes blank
willing myself to jump,
but i couldn't.
i was too scared of ending up at the bottom,
broken, bloody, ALIVE
so i stopped eating instead
(if i die slowlt, quietly, maybe it'll hurt less).

i never thought i'd see 24
because there.
was.
nothing.
i wanted to see.

but death doesn't heed the desperate calls of broken souls
(she picks and chooses as she pleases).
she didn't choose me,
and i was afraid,
terrified,
to choose her first
so i stayed
alive.

alive, but dead inside.
alive, trying not to cry because i'm still
alive, i'm
doing alright, being alive, i'm
...doing better? getting used to?
being
alive, after years of
wishing, hoping, BEGGING
to die
i'm alive.

i'm alive.

i'm living.

more than alive, living.

living, laughing, crying, trying, loving, finding joy in being
alive.
living. i'm living. 

and i never thought i'd see 24
but here i am.
alive,
living,
thriving.